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| A woman in a lab coat and goggles, looking at a beaker. Image source. |
Her whole post is very good, so you should read the whole thing. I want to talk about the 2 main points she makes about why masturbation is important:
- "First, masturbation has a place in marriage. There will be times when one partner wants sex and the other isn’t in the mood. There will be times when one partner wants sex, and the other can’t have sex. (I’m thinking in particular of the weeks that follow labor and delivery, but there are other times as well.)"
- "There’s a second problem with Focus on the Family’s logic on masturbation: for women especially, but also for men, masturbating before marriage is a good way to get to know your body, and to get to know what you like and what brings you pleasure."
About #1: Yes. Wow. Yes. If masturbation is an option, that is a total game-changer. I've been married for almost 2 years, been having sex with Hendrix for 4 years, and it's only just very recently I've realized that I don't have to stress myself out about making sure I offer to have sex with him as much as he might "need" it. I can just tell him to masturbate himself. WOWWWWWW.
Even though, before we even started having sex years ago, Hendrix told me that there's nothing wrong with masturbating- he told me it's not "cheating" or anything like that. Still, I was stuck in this ideology that says I'm responsible for meeting all his sexual needs. It never occurred to me that, if he has "needs" and I don't want to have sex right now, THAT'S OKAY because he can just masturbate.
This conservative Christian ideology, which teaches that masturbation is NOT ALLOWED, immediately sets up this totally unnecessary conflict, if one partner wants to have sex and the other doesn't. It doesn't have to be that way! People can masturbate! Praise Jesus.
And yes, I know that masturbating is different from having partnered sex. My husband prefers having sex with me, rather than masturbating. Because it's different, having the human connection and the emotions and love that go with that. Honestly, because I'm asexual, I can't really speak to the concept of having "sexual needs" in general and how meeting those needs with masturbating is or isn't different than meeting them through sex.
But I will say this: If you prefer partnered sex because you want the emotional connection with your partner, wouldn't that emotional connection only be good if both of you actually want it? If one person is only saying "yes" because they feel like they're responsible for their partner's sexual needs, then are you really able to have that loving connection?
Wouldn't it feel a lot better and loving if you always knew there was another option available, that everyone has the freedom to say "no" because their partner can just masturbate and take care of themself? Then when people say "yes" to sex, you know it's because they actually want it.
And about point #2, learning about one's body through masturbation: YES. Dear god, I am CONSTANTLY BAFFLED about why more people aren't talking about this.
I can only speak for myself here, but: WITHOUT MASTURBATING, IT WOULD BE LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO LEARN HOW TO HAVE SEX IN A WAY THAT FEELS GOOD. Is this not the case for other people? This was such a huge life-changing revelation for me. Why on earth isn't everyone who cares about sex-ed shouting this from the rooftops?
Like, why? Really, why? Ever since I started researching my body through masturbation, I have been trying to come up with some plausible explanation for why this is apparently not a big deal to other people, even though it's SUCH A BIG DEAL to me. Here are the possibilities I've come up with:
- Maybe for most people, they are able to have sex that feels good, even without having experience with masturbation.
- Maybe for most people, they masturbate a lot when they're teenagers and learn about their bodies that way, and maybe they don't even realize that's how they learned it. They don't think about how clueless they'd be if they had never masturbated.
- Maybe most people (or maybe people with vaginas in particular) are *not* having sex that feels good, but they don't talk about it.
My experience with trying to figure out how to have sex would have been SO DIFFERENT if someone had given me this advice: "You shouldn't have partnered sex if you've never tried masturbating before." Seriously, that is THE #1 THING I WISH I'D KNOWN. Is this not the case for other people? Is it because they're able to have sex without ever having masturbated and it works fine for them, or is it because of course they've masturbated, everyone has masturbated, obviously, so this isn't even worth mentioning?
Before I met Hendrix, I had never ever masturbated. Never ever. Never even considered it. Because of course it's a sin, right? I did have a tiny bit of experience with using my hand to feel around "down there", a little bit, but I did it like a kid breaking the rules, sneaking around afraid of getting caught, trying to be done as fast as possible. (Please note, I lived alone, I wasn't worried about getting caught by *other people*- I was worried it was a sin and meant I was a bad person.) Now I research my body like a scientist- confident, unashamed, pursuing knowledge because I deserve it.
But that was how it was, the first time I tried to have partnered sex. I naively assumed it would "just work" even though I only had the vaguest idea of what a vagina was, and no understanding at all of the concept of being able to put something inside my vagina. Spoiler: the sex was not that great. (But for mental health reasons I'm really glad I did it- you can read more about that in this post.)
As I went through the process of rejecting Christian "purity" ideology, I changed a lot of my beliefs about sex and relationships. From "unmarried sex is a sin and will ruin your life" to "unmarried sex is okay." From "masturbation is a sin and will ruin your life" to "masturbation is okay." But then I realized, I have to go even farther than that. Masturbation is not just "okay"; masturbation is SO EXTREMELY GOOD. Like, holy crap. I'm asexual, so I'm sure my reasons for liking masturbation are different from most people... mostly it's because I want to learn about my body. And having sex with my husband would be A THOUSAND TIMES MORE DIFFICULT if I wasn't also masturbating.
Wow I want to tell people! This is important! Highly recommend!
Of course, since I'm asexual, I know that there are a lot of asexual people who aren't interested in masturbating, and of course that's totally fine. People can live a happy life without masturbating! (Uh, that's what I did before I met Hendrix.) But I VERY VERY STRONGLY advise against having sex with a partner if you've never *tried* to masturbate before. Like, at least feel around with your hand to get a basic sense of the geometry of your genitals and what it might feel like to have a sexual partner touching them.
So yes, masturbation is not a sin. And it's not just "okay"; it's better than that. For me, it's ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY. And wow, I wish I had known that before trying to have sex.
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Related:
A Post About Masturbation
My Husband Is Not The Entire Focus Of My Sex Life
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