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| Screenshot from tumblr. The first commenter says, "Some men won't use emojis because they consider it feminine like could you imagine wanting to hold on to masculinity so desperately". The second commenter says, "In high school one of my guy friends said, 'I wish I were a girl so I could use an umbrella.'" Image source. |
Today's entries: toxic masculinity and fragile masculinity
"Toxic masculinity" and "fragile masculinity" are terms related to the harmful ideas society promotes about what men are "supposed" to be like.
Apparently, men are supposed to be strong and aggressive. They have a natural interest in fighting and violence. They use their physical strength to protect their families. They like sports that involve a lot of pushing and hitting. In stories, the man is the one who rescues the woman. A woman can't rescue a helpless man- that would be emasculating.
Boys like toy guns and swords, and they pretend to kill each other. They don't play with dolls.
Real men don't cry. They don't show weakness. They don't talk about their feelings. They don't get depression; they don't need to go to therapy.
Real men are heterosexual. And they want sex more than anything- they're not interested in the romantic stuff, they're not interested in talking about their feelings and communicating about what they want. They just take; they don't ask for consent because that kills the mood. And of course they pressure their female partners into sex- men are just like that. Boys will be boys, that's just the way it is.
Men are leaders. They don't want to work under a female boss- that's emasculating. They should be leaders in their family relationships too. When a man wants to marry his female partner, he proposes to her. She can't propose to him- that would be emasculating. And the husband is supposed to make more money than the wife. His role is to go to work and get a good salary to provide for his family. He doesn't do housework and childcare. And his job should be something like business or technology, not something that sounds nurturing like being a nurse or working with children.
And if a man has a teenage daughter, he needs to intimidate her potential boyfriends. They should be scared of him.
Men don't wear pink. They don't wear dresses. They don't ever hold a purse. They don't wear makeup. They don't shave their legs. They are not vegetarians. They don't drink pink alcoholic drinks. They don't sing too high. They don't play the flute. They don't dance ballet. They don't paint their nails. They don't wear high heels. They don't watch chick flicks. They don't like flowers. They don't use soaps that smell nice.
You get the idea. Men are supposed to act a certain way, and if they ever deviate from any of these norms, people will laugh at them for not being "a real man."
We use the term "fragile masculinity" because, apparently, masculinity is something that's so easily threatened. A man can't be seen in public holding a purse, not even for a second, because then people will think he's not manly enough. Really? Masculinity, which is supposedly so strong and tough, can be destroyed by the mere act of holding a purse? SO FRAGILE.
And "toxic masculinity" refers to how these ideas about masculinity are so harmful- to men, to women, to nonbinary people, to society.
Usually when we say "fragile masculinity", we're laughing. Like haha isn't it ridiculous that there's an ad that says men can't buy normal toothpaste, they need to buy MANLY toothpaste. Imagine that, toothpaste can threaten masculinity. Hahahahaha. And when we say "toxic masculinity", we're not laughing, we're talking about the very serious and harmful effects of this ideology.
Toxic masculinity hurts women. It encourages men to treat their female partners with violence. It says women shouldn't have decision-making power over their own relationships and their own lives, because that would "emasculate" their male partner. It believes it's totally reasonable for a man to turn angry and violent if a woman rejects him. It teaches that it's normal for a man to push a female partner's boundaries and even sexually assault her- it's the woman's fault for "leading him on" and "sending mixed signals." It says that women shouldn't have leadership roles in their careers, because come on, you can't expect men to respect a woman as their leader. It says women shouldn't have high salaries, because they don't really need that money anyway, it's their husband's job to earn the money, and also it would be JUST TERRIBLE if a wife earned more money than her husband.
Toxic masculinity hurts men. It tells gay men there's something wrong with them. It encourages fathers to talk about all the ways they would punish their son if, hypothetically, their son came out as gay. It tells little boys they're not allowed to play with certain toys. It limits their interests and their career choices- they can't do a job that's seen as "nurturing" and "gentle" because those jobs are for women. It allows men to suffer from depression and anxiety and doesn't let them talk about their feelings or get support from anybody or go to therapy. It says a man can't talk to his male friends about deep emotional problems, because that would be "gay." It says a husband always has to be the leader of his family; all the responsibility and pressure is on him. It says a man who doesn't earn much money can never be a good husband. It treats male rape victims as a joke instead of giving them the support they need.
And toxic masculinity hurts all of society. Most men who commit mass shootings have a history of domestic violence against women. It's seen as normal and acceptable for a man to express emotions through violence, but "unmanly" to talk about how he feels or go to therapy. And we end up not putting qualified women in positions of power- give that job to a less-qualified man instead, because it would be unrealistic to expect men to respect a woman's leadership.
Feminists often get accused of "hating men" but that's not true at all. We want to challenge these unhealthy ideas about what masculinity means, because they are harmful to everyone. We want men to be free to follow whatever interests they have, rather than being prohibited from doing things that are "girly." We want men to learn healthy ways to deal with emotions, so they don't need to suffer alone, and they don't lash out violently against other people. Challenging these rules about "what real men are like" helps everyone.
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Related links:
18 Times Tumblr Nailed Fragile Masculinity
21 Of The Greatest Examples Of Fragile Masculinity In 2015
13 times masculinity was so, so fragile
Men Resist Green Behavior as Un-Manly
The role of toxic masculinity in mass shootings
Suicide and silence: why depressed men are dying for somebody to talk to
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